Day 3-6

DAY 3:

And for the record that is sweet tea in the Route 44 Sonic cup. I should have gone unsweetened, but oh well! Was going to play tennis with a friend, but ended up just waking. I estimate we covered about 4 miles! Weighed 140. 

DAY 4:

Weighed 141, first thing in the morning. Annoyed i gained a pound and couldnt have consumed over 1000 calories! am i eating too little and my body is hoarding? with this thought decided to change the dieting plan to make for more moderate and permanent changes. Decided that every 3 vegetarian days, on the 4th day I get a cheat meal. It helps me mentally turn down tempting, less healthy options when I can just tell myself to wait two more days (max) and I get to have this or that temptation. I am vaguely considering adding some healthy carbs such as rice, whole oatmeal grains or quinoa into veggie days. Maybe make more of an effort to make sure I'm getting 1200-1500 calories daily to make sure I'm not in starvation mode or something? Want to make sure I keep it healthy!

DAY 5:

Forgot to weigh myself! Tried to eat healthy, even though I had to eat out twice. I feel like I succeeded, except for the croissant and dessert at dinner. The croissant was amazing and so worth the delicious, unprocessed unhealthiness. Dessert I wasn't hungry for, but we got for free since they took a while with our order. I just had to have a few bites to show my thanks ;) Though I really did keep it to only eating a quarter to a third, which is good for me! As chocolate is my biggest unhealthy carb weakness :) Played tennis with my hubby for an hour to an hour and a half.

DAY 6: (Today)

Weighed 142! What the heck? I still ate under 1200 calories on Day 5 and I still gained a pound? Poo. Will update the rest later. 

Day 2 of Herbivore Challenge

Yesterday was day 2 of my vegetarian challenge and it went great! Lost another two pounds, bringing my total weight loss to four pounds. I am so proud of myself... Even though, now I just end up breaking even since I've gained four pounds since January....

I woke up early (for the weekend-7:30!) showered,dressed and whatnot and studied a little bit before I went to a Puppy Sale/Convention thing with my sister in law. Best $4 I ever spent- Who needs any anti-anxiety, anti-depression and/or BP drugs when you can just go into a shelter or pet store?? For the record, I don't need or take any medications, but I swear dogs and cats could put pharmaceutical companies out of business, lol.

I was a good little girl and took a bottle of water, some baby carrots and a banana with me in my purse, just in case I should get hungry and be faced with less nutritious options. Went back home after and watched Pram Face on Hulu- HILARIOUS, I highly recommend. It's a British Hulu-Exclusive show about a young (funny/awkward) couple and an unintended pregnancy. I have to say, I usually don't like those kinds of shows, they tend to be a bit too stereotypey and melodramatic, but this one really hits the mark of funny weirdness that tends to happen in real life and avoids the overdone melodrama. 

ANYWAYS. Afterwards, after doing laundry and the dishes I hit the books again and managed to cover three chapters for OB! And my goal was only two! I didn't feel like I desperately needed a nap. I ALWAYS take naps. I think this whole eating healthy thing is making a difference! Considering I'm eating much more complex carbs, I'm betting it has something to do with not having blood sugar spikes and crashes throughout the day. 

I even had time to go visit family in the evening! And I have to say visiting them and not eating a whole bunch of junk was challenging! It's such an engrained habit to come over and eat all of the delicious treats and snacks they always have on hand because of my growing, younger siblings (Cheeze-Its... Cinnamon rolls... Dr. Pepper... *Drool*.) But, when I visited I also brought with me an orange and some baby carrots (and they also have apples and salad stuff at their house too) and when I really wanted something bad for me, I could tell it was just a craving for taste rather than for hunger because if I truly was hungry, I would have been happy to eat something healthy! So I munched on some carrots and some cheese and I was good. 

I have to say that's a very interesting part of this challenge. Really seeing the difference between my actual appetite versus my cravings for sugar/salt/etc. I truly hope these lessons stick with me beyond my challenge, when I bring more carbs and protein back into the diet. Granted, I plan for them to be healthy ones, but I want to eat junk sometimes and not feel guilty! The issue is, keeping it only to only special occasions rather than nearly every day. 

I'm thinking a good strategy (both to accomplish not diving back into unhealthy habits and avoid reaching a plateau in weight loss) is do my 7 days of the vegetarian challenge and for another week, add in vegetarian-friendly protein and carbs, like quinoa, rice, eggs, nuts, beans, etc. THEN after the two weeks of basically being a vegetarian, add in chicken, turkey, etc. I'm thinking after maybe another week of that, I'll allow institute a once or twice a week cheat meal to keep myself from getting burned out. Maybe once a week I get a cheat and if I want another I have to do an Insanity workout or something... Idk, we'll see how it goes!

Until tomorrow! :)

Day 1

Spent most of this week recovering from the awesomeness that was last weekend! Between my sister-in-law's college graduation and Mother's Day I had absolutely no time to get anything productive done. It was so WONDERFUL, but unfortunately reality came a-knocking on Monday and it was time to play catch-up. Had a bunch of OB chapters to read up on before my first exam of the semester earlier today. I did great, got a 90 (though it should have been a 92, which I won't go into......) AND no lecture afterwards! Which is a rare and wonderful luxury I am unaccustomed to!

Also, I had my first clinical rotation on Wednesday! I was on the Labor and Delivery unit. It. Was. AWESOME. Definitely reinforced my motivation to be a midwife or NP in this field. First of all, all of the nurses and doctors are in an a fabulous mood- So friendly! None of this Med-Surg grumpiness (not that I blame them, but it's still no fun to be on the receiving end of all that.) I felt my usual frustration of being totally useless, stupid and in the way- I hate being a newb- but it was so interesting and educational. I was sure I wasn't going to be able to thanks to two stalled labors, but 15 minutes before I had to leave one of the laboring Mommies pulled through for me (Yes, I'm sure it was for me personally) and I got to see a vaginal delivery! 

At the risk of sounding even more green and newbier than usual, it was magical :) I have to say, I had to fight back getting a little teary eyed. You know, gotta keep it cool as a medical professional or whatnot. ;) Seeing the bond between the parents and baby is just so special. Even though I didn't do anything at all, I was so excited to be a part of something that momentous in people's lives. I want to do this every. Single. Day. Please?? I know it's not all sunshine and roses, there was a fetal demise on the unit when I was there, which was so heartbreaking, but the good so very much outweighs the bad in my opinion. It's totally worth it. 

The Anesthesiologist on call was one of the nicest people I've met in any of the clinicals thus far! When he started talking to me, nicely, I probably looked hilariously foolish. I like looked around behind me and everything, sure he was talking to someone else. I probably even stared open mouthed for a hot second once I realized he was indeed speaking to me... NICELY. AT A HOSPITAL. WHA?? He was extremely knowledgable in obstetrics as well as anesthesiology and had an awesome sense of humor. I love smart assery. 

Also the RN I was shadowing was SO SWEET. (There must be something in the water in this hospital, it's unreal how nice the staff is.) She answered my stupid/obvious questions so nicely and was even encouraging with the menial tasks that I could do. I am so very thankful for her! She took the time to help and encourage me, regardless of what an idiot I must look and what she must have thought! I truly cannot express how much I appreciate that. Sadly when I was leaving, she had to literally RUN to another delivery, but I will be back on L&D in a few weeks and I fully intend to thank her then, also I will probably write her a card or something on the last week just to show her how much I appreciate it. 

I've tried to do that with all of the outstanding nurses I've encountered. I just want them to know what a difference a helping hand can make to a student. They are all underworked and overpaid and when they still take the time to help, it means so much. 

I think that's about it for my week!

Oh- I almost forgot to mention it! I finished my first day of clean eating!

I've been a little up and down this week with the highs of doing well on my test and my clinical experience and the lows of frustrated with limited time and a huge to-do list -shoutout to my wonderful hubby for helping me get through it! In addition to this my eating has been horrible with both the choice of food (Hi, pizza and cheeseburgers) and the portion sizes. What does this equal? Me feeling like garbage. I resolved that today would be different. Starting today, now that I'm caught up again on life, I would get my junk together, clean the house, do some school work and EAT HEALTHY. 

I feel all the better for it. My goal is to kind of cleanse my palette, body and soul with just fruits and veggies for 7 days. I'm also including dairy -not ice cream or anything lol- but fat-free milk, yogurt and cheeses because I think they are extremely important. You only really have until the age of 30 to stock up all the bone density you'll ever have to last you the rest of your life! There's no time for skipping your daily dose of calcium and vitamin D. Don't worry, I also eat lots of spinach and some kale and do weight bearing exercises in addition to taking a daily multi-vitamin, but I am not taking any chances with my bone health. H20 will also be a main staple, but I will also allow black coffee and unsweet iced tea in my cleanse because I know myself and I will not stick to just water! Here's what I ate today:

I also ate some baby carrots and tomatoes, but I forgot to take a picture. I will definitely keep you posted on how it goes!

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day!
I am so lucky to have more than one Mother figure in my life, to thank for always being there for me. I have my birth mother, my step-mother, mother-in-law, grandmothers, aunts... The list goes on!
I would not be the same without these strong, caring, smart women in my life and for that I am so thankful!
I have to say, I've struggled over the years with my family/life not being what I thought it should or would be. My family is not "normal", by any stretch lol. (Though as I've aged, I've gotten better about realizing that NO ONE is normal!) Not getting enough time with any of them. Lots of them are weird- we're all annoyed by each other sometimes. Sometimes they do things I wish they wouldn't, sometimes I do things they wish I wouldn't.
But I've learned to be okay with the fact that people don't every really turn out or act or do what you want them to... But that's the best part. In this world, we're all doing the best we can to be good to each other (most of the time) and follow our dreams. It's about accepting what each person has to bring to the table and concentrating on that, rather than what you imagined/wished.
This is a lesson that I forget all too often, but I'm working on it :)

In other news, my sister-in-law graduated from college yesterday! So proud and excited for her! She's accomplished so much and I look forward to see what life has in store for her future!

Today I have a bunch of reading to do and some prep-work due on Monday. Also, I need to make a few Mother's Day phone calls and will be having dinner at my parent's house and dessert and Chris' parents house.

What a wonderful weekend! <333

Things On My Mind

I want to be a doctor.

No, I don't... Yes, I do... No-Yes-No-Yes. He loves me, he loves me not. Omg, idfk.

All in all, resoundingly yes, I want to be an MD. I have wanted to pursue it for years and have always talked myself out of it. That's actually why I went for my RN- still in the medical field with lots of options and much, much less of a commitment.

So much of a commitment. So much time and money and work. So much excitement, passion and reward for helping people and intellectually challenging myself.

Life is too short to go to med school... Life is too short not to do exactly what you want to do.

Chris agrees. He's in exactly the same boat as I am. He couldn't do surgery like he's always wanted thanks to his hand injury, but he could still do the same general field!

On the one hand, we could have a really great life in our current fields... With our prospective future incomes, combined, we would make around (depending on the specialty) what a doctor makes.  Sans a couple hundred thousand dollars in debt... And the worry that we would have to be apart. What if one of us got in and the other didn't? What if we didn't match with the same schools and/or residencies down the line? Pre-req's (in addition to given bachelor's degree),  MCAT stress, applying, interviewing, worrying about getting in... What about if we did get in and actually made it? I want to have a life beyond work when I'm done (which would be at the youngest 33 for me and 35 for him). I want to love my job, be super passionate... And then go home and have kids and take vacations and sleep once in a while!

And yet, on the other hand, working as doctors could make us very, very happy. The things you could do to help people, like actually help people. Not just do the dirty work, follow orders and watch the docs have all the fun! (Hi, nursing.) It's so challenging, interesting, thrilling!

I still really love midwifery, I'm still extremely passionate about that field, but as I study and research about it, [Hi, my name is Alyssa and I like to read about vaginas in my spare time.] I find that it might be difficult to actually do in practice. Malpractice insurance is hilariously high... Few schools, few job opportunities... I just don't think I'm that much of a dreamer! As much as I think love and passion is important, I am not about to do any amount of school for anything where the odds are I won't get a job that I love.

Nothing would change immediately if we chose to go for our MDs. It's more wanting to know so we can make educated decisions in the long term about things now. Like house buying (we will still be purchasing a home this summer, but in regards to how fast we will try to pay it off vs. selling it early and custom building on land), having babies, buying fancier cars vs. something more low cost and economical, paying off student loans vs. continuing education.

Chris needs to finish up his bachelor's degree, as do I + rest of the pre-req's we'll have left over. From this December, I think it would take about two years before we would actually be ready to do med school. That puts me at 26 and him at 27/28 depending on the time of year. Not that we will for sure or anything...

Who knows? I don't know. What's my name again??

In the mean time, each of us are going to try and truly explore our respective fields at the moment. Give this path a chance. Try to hone good coping and study skills now, while it's still easy, just in case ;). Make good eating and exercise habits. Learn how to relax. (<--Mainly, me.) Love each other, spend time, appreciate the positives in life, be thankful. I think these are very important in life in general and making sure that it really is the right field for me and/or him. Follow the happy. See where it leads.

None of this probably makes any sense... I'm kind of sorry about that, but this is what I consider to be my journal. You've read at your own risk ;)

UPDATE:

I'm an idiot. Why am I worrying about trying to find the middle ground between RN and MD and not even considering NP?? Initially I was put off because NPs generally do take a pay cut from RNs, or at least odds are, I would... But if it's something that I think I would absolutely love, without all the cons of med school and residency?? Um, hell yes?! PLUS I would be working with MDs and getting to use their vast knowledge while bringing my own unique experiences to the table? Double bonus! I generally like the more holistic nature of nursing. Also that it is less pressure to see a million patient's in a day [yay physician shortage crisis!]. Spending time with patients is the bread and butter of what I want to do.

I think you know it's the right path when you're going around and around this conundrum and you feel all anxious and panicky and don't know up from down- neither side makes you feel perfectly happy... And then you find that other option that turns the light bulb on and everything falls into place. *cue rainbows and dancing baby angels*

Yay for not being an idiot anymore and actually, really considering the other options!

Chris has thought about PA school too, as an alternative to med school. He could do that and maybe we could actually have LIVES too??! Too good to be true?? We shall see!

The Goings-On.

The semester is finally coming to an end!
One more week of lecture/clinicals and one week of finals and GOOD-BYE Psych Unit!
I can't hardly wait.
We will have only spent 8 weeks on the unit and I don't know how any of those nurses and doctors do it! They are truly amazing. So patient and knowledgable and kind.
In some ways, at first, working Mental Health seemed "easy." The patients are self-sufficient in that you don't have to turn them, help them go to the bathroom or bathe them. They can walk on their own and dress themselves. No urinary caths or IVs... It's the emotional burden that's truly the struggle. An emotional burden on so many levels.
In some cases, you are actually stripping away these people's rights! They can be ED'd and be forced to stay at the hospital, they can even be forced to take medications. (And to make this clear- ALWAYS through the proper legal channels.) It is for their own safety, but they just aren't in the frame of mind to understand that. So you just feel awful, like you're the villain of some sort of thriller movie. And though I'm not a parent, I assume it's similar to how you feel when you have to punish your child? They scream and yell and tell you they hate you, but you know you have to do this for them, it's for their own good. Or at least you hope. I think of all the things that medical professionals used to call Standard Practice that now-a-days we think back on and cringe. How many of the things we are doing now, will one day be considered barbaric or ridiculous?
Also, there's the issue of how many of these people will just be back in a few weeks. These people have a disease of the mind, most of them truly cannot help it. And due to the severity of their particular illness or the personal issues in their lives, the odds are stacked against them for recovery.
It breaks my heart for them. When I look at these patients, I think about how their parents felt when they were born- Excited, curious, wondering what life had in store for their child. They could be an astronaut, the next president, the person who will cure cancer... And all because a few neurotransmitters are off, they can't even speak or think coherently. That could be any one of us. They are just normal people who had bad luck, either in genetics or what life dealt them. Again, how must that feel for parents, family members and friends to watch their loved one deteriorate from there potential?
Seeing that every day, I don't know how these nurses and doctors keep coming to work every day with a smile on their face. Takes a special kind of person... Of which I am not! Though, I salute those who are.
After finals, I get a week's vacation before the summer session starts and then will start OB! I am SO excited. Considering being a midwife is my passion in life, suffice it to say I've been waiting all year for this class. I hope the hospitals will be busy this summer :) I only wish we got to spend longer than just the 8 weeks! Not long enough to soak in all that I want to learn.
Oh! And I almost forgot- we bid on a house a few days ago! Since we are going through a government program with hubby's job, it's like a lottery. Everyone bids the same amount and the winner is just picked at random. We find out if we won tomorrow and I reeeeeaallyyyy hope we do. For all I know we could be the only one's that bid or the millionth one's that bid, you just never know. Needless to say I will have trouble sleeping tonight! Gets my heart all a-flutter just thinking about it!
Been working out all week like a good girl, except for today. Was so sore I had to take the day off! And I ate waaayyy too much junk food, but I'll start fresh tomorrow and like always resolve to eat healthier, lol. We'll see how that goes...
Got tons of studying and paperwork to do, so I better get on that- until next time!

Confessions

Here's a slew of random thoughts... Things I've been thinking about people, how I've been feeling lately, stream of consciousness kind of stuff.

Studying makes me feel lonely. I'm not really sure why, but it really does.
Sometimes my house feels empty... It's definitely better when Chris is around, but for some reason that doesn't feel like very often.
Why is it that he works the same amount of hours (give or take) as everyone else, but it doesn't feel like their house is empty all the time like mine?
Brings me back to studying... Do I just not have time to engage?
No idea.
Tired of school. Like, SUPER tired of it. Don't know how I'll keep on, keepin' on for the next 8 months! Literally, non-stop, except for weekends and 10-14 weekdays I will be at school. 0.0 How will I do this??
Schedules.
Hard work.
Determination.
Survival instincts?
I have to remind myself that I can do it...
The question is, how will I do anything else?
Get to my optometrist... Fix and buy a house... Work out and eat right?
Am I stupid? Is that why I seem to have to study so much more than other people?
Sometimes I feel like there must be something wrong with me.
And yet I don't study enough.
Is it that I procrastinate too much? Like I am now?
So I'm thinking about all the shit I have to do, but never actually do it, I just think I do?
I don't know.
It really feels like I study all the time.
SIGH.
Pharm test tomorrow.
cramcramcram.
studystudystudy.
I'm going to failfailfail.
I can't do this.
I can do this.
I reeeeeeally hope I don't fail.

Burn Out

Somehow I simultaneously am doing something school-related all the time,
and yet I never get anything done
and don't study enough??
How is this possible?

It may not be studying all the time,
but if it's not that, it's paperwork or reading or SOMETHING
related to nursing.
I'm getting burned out!
I keep telling myself if I just adhered to a schedule better, I'd have more time...
But I'm really not even sure if that's true anymore!
I just feel so blah.
workworkwork all the time
and yet nothing gets done
I'm getting B's
and I just feel crappy!

ajifoeaw jfoa wefjaof ;afwaio;fa

This is me... Every Friday lol.

Some days it feels like it's just me!